It's very common to experience feelings of anger after the loss of a loved one. But these feelings are often misunderstood, and can be difficult to talk about. We spoke to Bereavement Counsellor Jane Murray to find out why it’s so important to acknowledge anger in grief.
Anger is a common and expected emotional response following the death of a loved one.
In life, we often get angry when we can't control what's happening to us. We have no control over death, and so it's normal to feel anger. But it can be one of the most confusing feelings to experience at such a time.
People expect to feel sad, lonely or tearful. But feelings of anger can leave people feeling anxious and as though they're somehow not ‘normal’.
Common thoughts in grief
You may wonder why and what you've done to deserve the loss, that you weren't a ‘good enough’ partner, mother or father, or even that you're being punished for something you have or haven’t done.
It’s possible you may find yourself taking out your frustration on family and friends, or feeling overwhelmed with a deep sense of resentment.
Your anger might be directed at the person who's died for leaving you, or at friends, family, medical people, God or even yourself, for not noticing they were unwell, or not encouraging them to go to the doctor sooner.
Anger can be experienced in many ways throughout the grieving process. Some people who’ve been bereaved can talk easily about their feelings of anger. Others may initially experience it as envy or resentment of others for still having their partner, mother, father or child.
Many people question why their loved one died and yet the ‘world is filled with so many bad people.’
It's completely normal to feel angry with the person you've lost. You may find yourself thinking: “How could you desert me, or the children?” or “Why didn’t you take more care of yourself?”, “Why are you not here to protect and advise us?”
Anger towards a loved one may be more likely if their death was the result of an accident, neglect or self-destructive behaviour.
Making sense of anger in grief
Anger can be thought of as your brain trying to make sense of what's happened. The death of your loved one often needs to be ‘accepted’ emotionally as well as logically, and this may involve recognising feelings of anger and then exploring and working through those feelings.
If you’re unable to express your feelings in a way which feels safe, feelings of anger may increase.
Sometimes, if you express anger towards people who don’t understand, it might seem to them that you're pushing them away. This in turn can lead to increased feelings of anger and isolation.
Even the most supportive people around you may not expect anger as a part of grief, and might not know how to deal with it.
A grief counsellor or supportive listener may be able to help you to acknowledge and explore your feelings of anger and reassure you that they're normal and to be expected, and that the anger will begin to fade.
It’s good to remember that feelings of anger do not take away from the positive feelings you have for your loved one. They're there because you cared for them.
How to cope with anger in grief
Apart from talking to someone about your anger, there are many other activities or actions that could help lessen feelings of anger. Here's a few you could try.
1. Talk to the person you've lost
When a person dies, it doesn't mean when have to stop talking to them. Expressing your feelings of anger to the person you've lost can be a helpful way of working through those feelings.
You could write a letter to your loved one, or simply talk to them out loud. You can even shout if you need to explain how you’re feeling. You might even tell them that you forgive them for leaving you.
2. Exercise
Exercise can be a great way to release feelings of anger when we're grieving. A simple walk, or run, group sport or visit to the gym can help to provide a physical outlet for the anger. Exercise also releases endorphins (the ‘feel good’ hormone in the body), which may give your mood a boost.
3. Find new ways to express your feelings
Finding new outlets for your emotions can be really helpful. You could try an art or writing class, singing or practising music.
The important thing to remember is that letting go of anger doesn't mean you're ‘letting go’ of the person who died or not loving them anymore. It's just the opposite. Letting go of anger means that you can see the world more clearly.
After moving through feelings of anger, you might even feel closer to the person who died, keeping the good, happy memories of your loved one and letting go of the difficult memories of their illness and death.
If you’re worried about anger following a bereavement and how it is affecting your relationships you can speak to your GP for support. They can then refer you to further services if needed.
