Stacey talks about the expert hospice care her mum and dad received at home and in the Marie Curie Hospice, Bradford, after they both received terminal diagnoses in February 2022.
Mum was first told she had cancer back in 2021. She was supposed to have nine chemo appointments but only had three because it made her so poorly.
The following February, Mum wasn't with anybody when she had a telephone appointment with the oncologist who said, 'You're not fit enough for an operation, there's nothing else more we can do.' Because it was a telephone appointment, we didn't think it was going to be anything major.
Mum was so emotional. She wasn't sure if she'd been told how much time she had left. A follow-up letter said she'd live for only another year.
“Hearing that Dad was terminally ill too was like a punch in the stomach”
Just when Mum should have been planning how to enjoy her last months, Dad was told the large mass on his lung was cancer. We knew he was seriously ill because he was barely eating or drinking. But hearing the words felt like a punch in the stomach.
Dad didn't like to talk about his feelings and wouldn't even say when he was in pain. Instead, he just worried about Mum. Meanwhile, she barely had time to absorb her own news because she filled her time with caring for him.
Dad became worse than Mum; he could hardly walk. He'd sit in his chair and just stare at the floor. He didn't have enough energy to keep his mouth closed, he drooled and you'd have to wipe him.
When Dad went into the Marie Curie Hospice, Bradford he was completely different. They couldn't wait to help him. They got on top of his medication and his symptoms. They made him more comfortable.
It was a relief for everybody. I thought, 'Well, finally he's going to get the care that he deserves.' It gave you time to go home and just sit down, just have ten minutes to yourself rather than worry.
“Even though Dad was no longer there, the Marie Curie team were”
Dad spent his birthday in the hospice. They put birthday banners and balloons up, gave him a party hat and made him a birthday cake. I can't describe how nice they were.
Dad wanted his final moments to be at the hospice. But after three weeks he had to go to hospital for a scan. Tragically, his heart stopped during the scan and he didn't make it back. Dad died two days after his 66th birthday.
The hospice phoned and they asked us to go for a meeting with them the day after, and the social worker sat down and went through everything we needed to do. They asked if we needed any help phoning the funeral director because we'd never had to do that. So even though Dad was no longer there, the Marie Curie team were.
Two days after Dad's funeral, Mum was taken to hospital. Because I phoned so many people to try to get the right help for Dad, I thought, 'I'm not wasting my time.' I said to the Gold Line, the support line for people in their last year of life, 'You need to do a referral to Marie Curie. I want Mum to go there.' Mum was moved to the same hospice where Dad had been looked after so well.
“Bingo? Let's make it happen”
'I'd love one last game of bingo with my friends,' Mum said as we gently talked about her final wishes. Could we host it at the hospice? A lovely ward clerk called Lesley said, 'Let's make it happen'. She helped us organise a room and we sent bingo-themed invitations to Mum's friends.
Mum told the nurses, 'I'm really looking forward to the bingo. I'm going to sleep all day so I'll have enough energy to play a few cards and see everybody'.
Mum's best friend Linda lay beside her to help fill in her card. Shereen, a family friend, brought lots of food and drinks. Even though we all knew Mum wouldn't be with us much longer, the evening gave us a couple of hours where we could forget how poorly she was.
“I barely had time to grieve for Dad because I was caring for Mum”
Mum died nine days after the bingo night and three months after Dad, in November. The nurses made sure we had peaceful time with her after she'd slipped away. We asked for pieces of her hair as keepsakes and nurses gently snipped some and put it in little velvet bags for us.
The follow-up support with Mum was amazing too. They phoned a week later to see if everything was alright and let us know about bereavement support. I'm having that now because I barely had time to grieve for Dad because I was caring for Mum.
I can never put into words how grateful I am to the hospice. Marie Curie made difficult times easier to deal with and took away some of our family's stress. The staff, nurses and doctors are amazing. You don't forget when people help your parents die with dignity – you'd do anything to repay them.
Whatever the illness, we're with you to the end. Call 0800 090 2309 for support today.
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