“You can never entirely prepare for someone’s death, even if they live to 99”

Our bereavement experts share their thoughts on the importance of recognising and accepting grief for very elderly people, and why it's so vital not to minimise people's grief at such times.

When someone elderly dies, we often reach for something positive to say to the person who's grieving. This might be 'what a good age', 'let's hope we all have such a long life', 'it was the right time for them to go', 'you're so lucky you had so many years with them', or 'they had great innings'. But such comments can have an unintended impact, as Angharad Burden, Bereavement Coordinator on the Marie Curie Support Line, explains:

"Comments like these can create a feeling that there is a hierarchy of grief, where some losses are seen as less painful than others," says Angharad. "While it might be said with the best of intentions, you can't make light of the death of someone important to you, whatever age they may be. For the person who's grieving, it might feel like it's harder to be open and honest about how sad you are for fear of having your grief minimised."

Louise Bowen, our Covid Bereavement Co-ordinator, agrees. "The person who's died may have had all sorts of private hardships and losses that the grieving person may worry weren't ever resolved. So, saying things like 'They had a good life', however well-intentioned, may not help."

If someone's lived to a grand old age, it's likely they've been around for as long, or longer, than you have. Because they've always been there, you might experience a particularly strong sense of loss, as if something fundamental about the world has shifted forever.

"Some of our clients say that because their loved one has been a part of their life for so many years, it's incredibly difficult to picture a life without them," says Angharad.

"Regardless of their age, a person has died. Someone who had a personality, interests, hopes, a place in the world and an impact on those around them. And for the people that love them, this can understandably be a huge loss."

"Some of our clients, who are adults with their own families, describe feeling like an 'orphan' after losing their elderly parents," adds Angharad. "Such a death can throw up questions about your role in the family now and leave a hole where you may normally turn to for advice, wisdom, stories and family history.

"Some people find it hard if they are the only person left of their generation – it's not just coping with the loss of the people who have died and what they meant to them, but there's a loss of shared experience, understanding and commonality, which they may not have in other people around them."

Louise agrees. "The longer someone lives, the more they can become an anchoring presence in our lives throughout all the other changes we experience. This is sometimes the case with public figures like the Queen. They can become a symbol of longevity and endurance and we can project our denial of our own mortality onto them.

"When they die, we may feel that we've all somehow shifted further along the line. We look in the mirror at our own signs of maturity and understand if only fleetingly, that it's our turn one day. That can be a frightening thought."

Sometimes there might be a perception that a death is easier to deal with because it was expected. But this may not be the case.

"When an older person dies, people might say it's part of 'the natural order of things'," says Louise, "But this doesn't mean the grief can still be raw and shocking."

Angharad agrees. "Knowing that someone will eventually die is very different to them actually dying," she says. "I don't think you can ever entirely prepare for someone's death, no matter what their age.

"While some people are comfortable having conversations about their death and talk about it with their family and friends, being old doesn't necessarily equate to being at peace or having come to terms with your own death. Some people may have never spoken to their loved one about it and may have tried to avoid thinking about it.

Claire Collins, Bereavement Coordinator at the Marie Curie Hospice, Hampstead, adds: "Sometimes we don't view the older generation as being sick, weak, feeble as it impacts on our own sense of self and our mortality – the older person might seem a lot younger in our minds."

"Rather than focus on cliches about age, support the person in the same way that you would when someone of any age dies. Let them know that you are sorry about their loss, are here for them and give them space and time to talk. When they do so, actually listen and acknowledge what they are sharing with you, rather than trying to lighten the conversation or encouraging them to find the positives."

"Knowing what to say is hard and even the most cliché-averse of us find ourselves reaching for these tried and tested formulations. You could try sharing some concrete example of how the person has impacted you in your life, or if you didn't know them, any anecdotes the bereaved person might have shared with you about them. This can help build up the legacy of the person who has died and be affirming for the bereaved person to hear."

"Say the person's name, show interest in who they were and what they were like, acknowledge that you can see how much this loss means to the bereaved person. You could ask about their favourite memories, and how life is different for them now. You could ask to see photos too. Try to avoid talking about your own losses."