I lost my dad to a heart attack when I was 20, and my mum died from ovarian cancer in February 2021 after staying at the Marie Curie Hospice, Bradford.
We're Hindus, so they had Hindu funeral ceremonies. Mum's was at a crematorium that catered for Hindu practices, and despite covid restrictions, I was still able to take part in some of the rituals. It felt like a last chance to connect to my mum and that part of our culture.
A last visit to the house
Dad was only 54 when he passed away. He'd never had heart problems before, then one heart attack just killed him. Back then we did the funeral rituals at home, bringing Dad's coffin into our home.
When Mum died, this wasn't allowed because of covid – but she didn't want this anyway. She'd been against it ever since we had to take the living room door off to get Dad's coffin inside. Instead we performed our rituals inside the Chapel of Rest at the crematorium .
Family and friends gathered round to perform mantras and prayers, wearing white as a symbol of mourning and respect. Rice balls were placed into Mum's coffin and holy water from River Ganges was sprinkled.
Hindu beliefs about death are centred on rebirth and reincarnation – a person's physical body leaves, but their soul reincarnates into another life after eleven days. We believe the soul needs this food for the journey to another world.
Before Mum died, she said that even though she didn't want to go inside, she did want to see her house one last time. So the hearse went to Mum's street, and the neighbours all stood outside and paid their respects.
"I can't believe how strong I was"
For Hindus it's important take care of a person's body before their funeral. Unfortunately I wasn't able to dress my mum for her funeral – the undertakers did it for me. But I did paint her nails and made a few other small touches to make her look nice.
I thought I would be scared touching her. Her hands were freezing, but it wasn't scary because she looked so peaceful. She didn't look like a mum who had cancer – she looked normal, just like she used to before. Looking back, I can't believe how strong I was. I think it's because I recognised her as my mum.
Mum said she didn't want any flowers at her funeral. Instead we put fresh coconuts in her coffin, which symbolise offering oneself to God. The hard outer shell of the coconut represents the human ego, while the white inner part is a symbol of peace.
We also put in a Mother's Day card, drawings from my kids and her favourite chocolate, Snickers. Mum loved Snickers and would always take one to hospital.
The day before she went into the hospice, she said, "Make sure you check all my handbags in case I've left any notes." When I emptied her bag after she died, I found a Snickers.
"My last chance to connect with that part of our culture"
When Dad died, I kind of avoided all the rituals. I think I was too young to really engage with it – I didn't fully understand the meaning of it all. I missed out.
With Mum, I knew this was my last chance to connect with that part of our culture and to do these final things for her. Our rituals are like our final acts of love. I knew it was important, so I just wanted to do it all.
Now I've experienced it all, I know what to expect and I'm glad. Even though chemotherapy and the end of life isn't nice, I'm happy I've had that experience.
If you want to talk to someone following a bereavement, we're here for you. Call the Marie Curie Support Line for free on 0800 090 2309. Find out more about our bereavement support service.
