“Counselling hasn’t taken the pain away, but I’m more open now”

Iain was a massive personality and such a fun guy. He'd been a musician, playing in different bands all his life. At our wedding, my dad said in his speech: 'Iain's not rock and roll, he's rock and soul.' We were together for 16 years.

Iain became ill. We were going backwards and forwards for appointments at the Bradford Royal Infirmary. It got to a point where there was nothing else the staff could do; they told him he had weeks left to live. The palliative care team suggested the Marie Curie Hospice, Bradford.

When I heard the word 'hospice', I just thought it was a place where people die. I was scared when we first went there, but when I walked through the door I immediately felt peaceful. I was there every day, coming in and out because I had William to look after as well. William saw Iain in the hospital but he never came to the hospice. Iain was so ill by that point.

Iain was cared for and died at the hospice in the summer of 2019. I couldn't have asked for a nicer place for that to happen. When you're going through the worst time in your life, you just want comfort. The hospice is so comforting and the people there are so caring, I can't sing their praises enough.

After Iain died, the hospice said to us that if we needed anything they were here for me. I couldn't believe it; they told me that their services were here to support me for the rest of my life.

William was only four when Iain died. Now he's eight. It became apparent that he was struggling to process what had happened, so I phoned the hospice and asked whether there was any support for him.

They took some details and then asked, 'and what about you?' I just burst into tears. I tried to say it's not about me, it's about William, but they really encouraged me to speak to the counselling team and were so empathetic.

I had 12 sessions with Jo in the counselling team. It's not taken the pain away, but I'm like a different person now compared to where I was in January 2023. When I started, I was hunched over and constantly anxious, whereas now I'm much more open. Eventually, I almost looked forward to my sessions because the hospice is such a peaceful place.

As William got a bit older, he shied away from talking about Iain a lot. I would tell him it's OK to cry and try to engage in conversation about Iain and ask him if he'd like to look at pictures of Daddy. But he'd always say, 'Not today'.

I was put in touch with Yvonne, the Children and Young People's Counsellor at the hospice. Yvonne's sessions with William were very much led by him. He liked using the sandbox and making things. I think the idea is that when young people are engaged in play, they find it easier to open up and talk more about how they're feeling.

Now, after Yvonne's support, William wants to talk about his daddy. He's opening up more and conversation about Iain flows. He now knows he can talk to his family about his daddy. He never would've done that before the sessions with Yvonne.

I feel so relieved we've got to this point. I didn't want William's grief to be held inside and affect him later in life. Of course it's going to affect him, but now he has such a strong grounding that it's taken my anxiety away. I never thought we'd get to this point.

When I first thought about the hospice, I didn't know all the other services that were available. They keep in touch with invites to remembrance services, which makes me feel like I'm not alone and that they're still here for me. Which is massive.