The death of a grandparent may be one of the earliest bereavements we experience. Whether the loss of your grandfather or grandmother was expected or sudden, grief can be overwhelming and is a natural response to losing someone you care about.
Here are some real stories from people grieving a grandparent.
"When my Nan died it was like I lost part of my identity" – Jonathan
Jonathan cared for his Nan, Hazel, before she died of dementia.
"My Nan was like a second mum, like a best friend. I'd tell my Nan all sorts of things. I'd say, 'Be quiet Nan I'm on the phone', and she would say, 'You're on the laptop too much, go find yourself a nice young Jamaican girl with long hair and nice nails.' We would talk like that, that's how it was with my Nan.
"Taking care of my Nan, became my identity. So, when she died, overnight that disappeared for me. Looking back, I realise I've actually lost, not only someone who's dear to me, but I've also lost a part of my own identity as well. You have to grieve that too. I'm grieving two things – not just the loss of my Nan, but also what I was used to doing for the last five years.
"Grief is personal and unique. We have seen and experienced stuff and we're all human and sensitive. It doesn't matter how big we are. I'm 6'5", strong – there were times I had to lift Nan into bed.
"I contacted Marie Curie after my Nan's funeral at the end of January. I wanted to speak to someone outside of my family as part of the whole process, in order to bring a new perspective. For me, the bereavement support gave me a chance to see my Nan as someone I actually looked up to. So many memories came back as I talked about her – memories which I thought I'd forgotten."
"My grandma died in pain, and it still haunts me" – Olivia
"My grandma Betty, who passed away a couple of years ago, had a very traumatic end-of-life experience, and I still find it difficult to think about what happened to her.
"I go through phases, whereby I think about the utter release of her passing and just knowing that all her suffering has finally stopped. That her pain and suffering had ended. And then, I start to feel a little bit angry, and frustrated, not really at anybody, because it wasn't, specifically, anybody's fault, it was just a mixture of things – mainly miscommunication.
"I was really struggling with that experience, not only of it being a loved one, but also, because she was a person, and a special person in my life. I decided to call the Marie Curie Support Line and chatted to Nicola and Angharad. It made me realise it's okay to feel all the different emotions and it's okay to talk, and that Marie Curie are there if there's ever a time when it does become difficult again."
Pain is common for people living with a terminal illness. It affects everyone in different ways. With the right treatment and support, pain can usually be managed. Learn more about pain when someone is dying.
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"One of the worst parts was seeing my dad grieve for his own father" – Ellie
"When my grandfather died, it was very sudden. He'd just had an operation to improve the flexibility in his hand, which was really important to him as a keen pianist. Then, he had a heart attack in the night and that was it. My grandmother was in shock – I'd always been close to her so seeing her so sad and angry with him for leaving her was really hard.
"One of the worst parts of it though was seeing my dad, who was close to his father, break down in grief at the funeral. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about that day. I'm not sure any of us were really prepared to lose him like that, even though he was getting on. It also gives you a feeling for what it'll be like to use your parents, when the time comes – which is scary.
"I think sometimes it's easy to see the death of grandparents as part of the natural order of things, and therefore something to be quietly accepted glossed over. But in reality it can be a huge upheaval for the family and create a lasting grief that sticks with you.
"A few years have passed now, and I find it helps to share stories and memories together of the happier times. To ask lots of questions to get a richer picture of what my grandparents' life was like – and, of course, to make the most of the time you have with the people that are still around."
If you want to talk to someone following a bereavement, we're here for you. Whether your bereavement was expected, happened recently or was some time ago, we can help. Call us for free on 0800 090 2309.
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