In my role as a bereavement counsellor, I see all kinds of reactions to grief. Some people feel surprising emotions, such as relief, when someone dies – and that's OK.
There's no right or wrong way to grieve – our response to losing someone close is individual to us. Feeling grief is a natural response to losing someone who you care about, are close to, or have spent time around. In fact, sometimes we can even grieve for people we didn't know very well – or at all.
There are no rules around grief. You can grieve for anyone and that grief can make you feel emotions you didn't expect to feel, such as relief, guilt, anger and resentment. The important thing is to do what feels right for you. Grief hurts and often can't be made to go away.
Most people find that grief gets easier over time. The pain you feel will eventually lessen and there will come a time when you can adjust to life without the person who has died. If your grief doesn't feel like it's getting any easier, there's support available to help you through it.
Surprising emotions
The experience of grief isn't just one feeling, it tends to be many emotions that follow on from one another, sometimes in waves or bursts. You might feel shocked or numb, sad, anxious or agitated, exhausted, relieved, guilty, angry, calm, lacking in purpose, or resentful.
Experiencing any or all of these feelings – or any other feeling not listed here, for that matter – is completely OK. Whatever emotions you're experiencing – the more you can allow the feelings to come, the more likely they are to leave.
Often, the more effort you put into ignoring and shutting off emotions, the more they try to crop up when you don't want them to. No feeling will last forever, so try to lean into it.
Why you might feel relief
For some people, seeing a loved one slowly deteriorate can be a painful experience. Watching the person and your relationship with them change can be hard. Seeing someone be in pain is hard, so relief, whatever the circumstance, is natural.
The relief might be that the inevitable is finally here, they are no longer in pain, and you are no longer living in constant anticipation of the worst thing happening. Lena Patel's mum, Savita, died from ovarian cancer at the Marie Curie Hospice in Bradford in February this year. "When she passed away, I did feel like I could breathe because I knew she was out of pain," says Lena. "No more talk of chemotherapy, and no more talk of cancer."
You might also feel relieved if you had a difficult relationship with the person who died. Perhaps they were abusive, to yourself or to other people, and part of you is relieved that they can no longer hurt or upset anyone. Rebecca Johnson's mum was an alcoholic who often left her family frustrated and angry. Her death stirred up mixed emotions. If this happened to you and your family, it's natural to have very mixed feelings. People like me are here to talk things through if that's what you've experienced.
Although you didn't want your loved one die, it's only human to feel relief when their suffering comes to an end. It's also human to feel relief when the distress you felt as a result of having to watch your loved one struggle is over. If the feelings are intolerable, seek help, whether from a friend, peer support groups or bereavement counselling, whatever it is, seek that help as you don't have to go through the experience on your own.
However you're feeling, you don't have to go through bereavement alone. If you'd like to speak to someone, call our Support Line on 0800 090 2309 or look at our online information for people who've experienced a bereavement.
