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Five poignant moments about supporting a loved one with cancer from BBC podcast Goodbye to All This

9 Nov 2020

4 min read

All UK

By Eleanor Newland, Staff Writer

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Five poignant moments about supporting a loved one with cancer from BBC podcast Goodbye to All This
Goodbye To All This is the story of journalist Sophie Townsend and her family as she loses her husband, Russell, to lung cancer and begins life as a widow and single mum to two young girls.
Across 12 episodes for the BBC World Service, the podcast documents each stage of Sophie’s experience – from Russell’s first complaints of tiredness, through the cancer diagnosis and treatment, Russell’s death and navigating life without him.
Four episodes in, the memoir is a beautifully observed and piercing account of what it feels like to experience the gradual deterioration of a loved one as it happens. Sophie touches on a wide range of themes including shock, anger, guilt and acceptance. Here, we reflect on just a few.

Differences in dealing with bad news

In Chapter 2: The Secret , Sophie re-lives the moment they received Russell’s diagnosis of lung cancer at the hospital. As the news ricochets between the husband and wife over the following days and weeks, Russell stays quiet while she struggles to sit with the terrible facts.
You can sense Sophie's desperate sympathy for her husband and what must be going through his mind, mixed with frustration at his silence.

He is sure of his doctors. Sure that they’ll save him. He’s sure of his girls, and of me. But I see him losing confidence every day in his place in the world, as he sits on the couch, the rest of us moving around him.
Sophie Townsend

Watching someone you love suffer

Russell’s treatment plan starts with an aggressive chemotherapy treatment, and in Chapter 3: Family portrait, Sophie recalls looking on helplessly as it takes effect – both physically and psychologically.
You can feel her sense of impotence, stuck on the outside, as he suffers alone from the pain and discomfort of what his body's going through:
"He is sure of his doctors. Sure that they’ll save him. He’s sure of his girls, and of me. But I see him losing confidence every day in his place in the world, as he sits on the couch, the rest of us moving around him."

The conflicting feelings around offers of help

As the treatment continues, friends and neighbours clamour to support Sophie’s family and she reflects on the mixed feelings these overwhelming offers of help create:
"Everyone wants to help. There’s something difficult and confusing about it. And I’m getting less and less able to accept kindnesses, in a way that makes life easier. People offer to cook meals and I say yes and sometimes two turn up at once. And I’ve double-booked children’s play dates so there’s always a disappointed friend somewhere, whose parents have to explain that I have a lot on my mind at the moment and get things confused […] People offer to help and I don’t know how to accept it.

Everyone wants to help. There’s something difficult and confusing about it. And I’m getting less and less able to accept kindnesses, in a way that makes life easier.
Sophie Townsend
When an acquaintance takes control of the organisation of these offers, drawing up schedules and rotas for everyone, Sophie expresses the relief at having this looked after:
"If it takes a village to raise a child, it certainly takes one to help a man get cancer treatment. She ran that village like I never could."

Things feeling unreal

In Chapter 3: Family portrait , Sophie recalls how she used to sometimes walk home from the hospital in the rain, after dropping Russell off for his chemotherapy treatments.
Lots of people might relate to that sense of being in a dream, as if what's happening can't be real life:
"The water on my face and in my shoes helps me remember that this is real, that this is no dream. It’s important to know that, because often I wonder if this is the real world or not."

Contemplating single parenthood

After Russell has been given two months to live by the doctors, Sophie starts to contemplate the life ahead with her two daughters, aged 11 and 8, without him there. It's a heart-breaking insight into pre-bereavement. How it feels when you know someone's going to die soon.
" I get to stay. I get to watch. But […] I wonder how on earth I’ll manage it. I catalogue the mistakes I know that I’ll make, and I worry about the things they’ll miss, the things they’ll resent they no longer have.

If it takes a village to raise a child, it certainly takes one to help a man get cancer treatment. She ran that village like I never could.
Sophie Townsend
For more thoughtful discussion of life and death, you can also tune into our podcast, On the Marie Curie Couch.
Published: 9 Nov 2020
Updated: 21 Jan 2025
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