When someone close to you dies, everything can change in an instant. Initially you might find it helpful to keep busy and take care of practicalities like funeral arrangements as a distraction. But at some point – perhaps after the funeral, for example – when your life appears to go back to "normal", the reality of the loss can really hit home, leaving you wondering how you're going to survive.
Every person grieves and copes differently, so here's a selection of self-care strategies that you may find useful.
Continue bonds
Death ends a life, but it doesn't end a relationship. If you're used to sharing your day and your news with the person who's died, then perhaps continue to do this. Many people continue to talk to the person who has died. This may sound strange, but it can bring comfort. Others find it helpful to write down what they want to say, in a journal or a letter.
Spend time with others
People around you may not want to intrude on your grief and may believe that you will contact them if you need to. It can be very hard to pick up the phone or text someone to say you'd like to talk or go out; it can be really helpful to find the courage to make that call/text. "Are you free for coffee?" is a gentle reminder to people that you may be in need of company. Although it can be an effort to be proactive, it can be better than spending too much time alone.
Listen to your body
If you need to cry, cry! If you need to sleep, sleep! If you need to talk to someone, then seek out someone who'll listen, whether that's a family member, friend or bereavement support service.
Lower expectations for yourself
Try to be gentle on yourself. Don't expect to run at full capacity with the same stamina as you did before; grief can be exhausting. You may find your ability to concentrate and focus is reduced for a time, so don't pressure yourself to perform as well as you did before your loss. Writing an achievable 'to do' list can be very helpful.
Take time
Many people who are bereaved find keeping themselves busy is helpful. However, keeping yourself too busy and not allowing yourself time to 'feel your grief' can be a distraction from your grief and can be unhelpful.
Do the familiar things you used to do
When you feel up to it, perhaps do some activities and hobbies that you enjoy, or fancy trying. It could be visiting a place you haven't been to in a while, walks in nature, reading or crafts.
Pamper yourself
It can be a relief from grief to treat yourself to a hair appointment, a manicure, a massage or even a restful soak in the bath – nurture yourself.
Keep a journal
Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you make sense of what's happened and work through your grief.
Look after your health
If you exercised before your loss, in can be helpful to try and maintain the same routine. Physical exercise can improve your mood and enhance the way you feel. Maintaining a healthy diet and resuming your usual sleeping pattern helps you to function as well as you can. If you're having difficulty with either, visit your doctor.
Be aware of others' reactions
Many people may not know how to react appropriately to your grief. Some may be more comfortable than others in responding to you. Be aware that people have different ideas, not only about death but also about how bereaved people might behave. People may say things to you with the best of intentions that can seem insensitive, not meaning to cause you hurt.
If you need bereavement support, do get it
Try to get all the support you need. There are many bereavement support services available for groups or individuals, in person or virtually, including the Marie Curie bereavement support service.
And please don't hesitate to contact a medical and/or mental health specialist if you have feelings of hopelessness or suicidal thoughts.
This blog was published for Grief Awareness Day, but of course grief is not limited to just one day. Whenever you're affected by grief, we're here to help. Head to our Information pages to read more or to phone us for free to chat.
