“We’re so grateful Mum could die peacefully at home, with her family, as she wanted”

Mum was incredibly independent: she was always gardening, cooking, doing everything. I live next door, so the children and I could pop in to see Grandma and Grandad all the time. We were so lucky to have this really caring environment.

So, when Mum was diagnosed with metastatic bone and lung cancer in November 2022, her wish was to stay at home with the family. But her mobility, strength and confidence deteriorated rapidly. She became unable to bear her own weight, and it was painful for her to be moved out of bed, even to sit on the commode.

Dad and I wanted to look after her at home, but it was a struggle. Caring for a loved one day in and day out is so tiring, mentally and physically. The responsibility, the stress of them being unwell, managing everything.

It has such an impact on the whole family, on everyday life. I could see Dad was tired and down. It was so hard for him to see someone he loved, had spent so many years with, deteriorating like that.

That’s when STARS, (Supportive and End of Life Care Service, a partnership between Marie Curie and other organisations in Liverpool) became involved.  They came to assess Mum and speak to us about how they could support her, and us, so she could die at home. They were a godsend.

Straight away they sorted out everything that Mum needed – like a special hospital bed which meant she could be lifted and moved. They helped with daily washing and – when it became necessary as her illness progressed – with her incontinence care. If she had problems like pressure sores, they linked in with the district nurses to sort them out.

We had Mum’s hospital bed in the lounge, and I was sleeping in there too. But we weren’t really sleeping at all. I’m a GP and I was struggling with work. I was exhausted. I was seeing Mum so unwell, and then seeing my patients being unwell too. I had to take time off.

When STARS then offered some overnight care, it was an amazing relief. It helped so much to finally get some reasonable sleep myself.

The care team came in three or four times a day, so we knew that Mum was comfortable in terms of her personal hygiene. Even little things like brushing her hair and her teeth. She had that pride in herself, and she knew she was being looked after.

We always had the reassurance that if something wasn’t quite right, the team would bring it to our attention and do something about it. That is immeasurable and invaluable.

The carers were always so cheerful and so respectful towards Mum. There was so much care and compassion. I really think that made a great difference. Even though she couldn’t express herself towards the end, she seemed to know when they were coming in.

They would always take time to have a little chat with Dad as well. He used to put piano music on for them while they were tending to Mum. And I liked to talk to them as they were coming and going. We’d chat about everyday life as well as Mum’s care. That was really nice for me.

We talked with her about where she wanted to die. She would just point her finger; she wanted to be here, at home.

We had all the anticipatory medication here ready, but when she did pass away, it was so dignified and peaceful that we didn’t even need it. She took her last breath with all of us around her. She knew the grandchildren were there, her children were there, Dad was there. I think for us, there was a sense of closure.

The carers still came that day, even though Mum had already died. They wanted to pay their respects. That was so lovely. They had such empathy for what we were going through.

As a GP, I’ve helped patients get their diagnoses, seen the treatments they go through, and the difficulties they face. Now I’ve seen the other side of it, with my own Mum. It’s given me important perspective and I can draw on that experience to help care for my patients. I’m much more aware of the end of life care services there are, of the differences they can actually make to people’s experiences.

Mum really just wanted to be at home, with her family. STARS and Marie Curie enabled us all to have that quality time together. I know we wouldn’t have been able to cope without them. We’re incredibly grateful.

 We provide care in our hospices and in people's homes across the UK, whatever the illness. If you or someone close to you is living with a terminal illness, or if you’ve been bereaved, our Support Line and online resources offer free practical and emotional support, including around decisions about where to die.