Most of us think of grief as something which happens after a death. In fact, grief can start a long time before someone dies, but this is often not acknowledged, talked about or even understood.
It's completely normal to begin grieving before death, if you become aware that the person is going to die soon. When a loved one receives a terminal diagnosis, grief can begin right there and then. All the feelings and thoughts experienced at this time can be just as intense and difficult as those after a death.
How it is different to other kinds of grief?
Grieving before someone dies might feel no different to the grief you experience afterwards, but it does present some unique challenges.
Firstly, not everyone will experience anticipatory grief. For some, it may be that not acknowledging what is happening is a very good coping strategy and grieving may be perceived as giving up hope.
Those who are living with the knowledge of their loved one’s impending death can find themselves conflicted. One the one hand, they hold onto the hope that the person won’t die but at the same time, they are struggling with the idea of letting go of their beloved when they do die.
It may be that they wax and wane between these two polar positions. This is a tender and difficult situation to cope with.
How might anticipatory grief affect someone?
We often don’t know exactly when someone will die, as this is hard to predict. Everyone’s last weeks and days are as unique as they are. When anticipatory grief goes on for a long time, this can really start to wear you down emotionally and physically. It literally saps your energy to keep going every day.
Fear, anxiety and panic can become a part of your life. You may live your life in hyper-vigilance. “What is going to happen next”? This can take its toll on your wellbeing and your stability. You might find your emotions and thoughts are all over the place and you may find yourself very distracted and unable to concentrate.
For more information, order or download Marie Curie's free booklet on What to expect at the end of someone’s life.
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Time is a factor too, because although, undoubtedly, sudden deaths are deeply shocking and hard to come to terms with, a slow deterioration towards death can erode our wellbeing minute by minute, day by day. This can have a big impact on carers and loved ones. There may be a horrible feeling of dread which is eked out day after day.
You may find yourself putting your own life on hold and feeling fed up on occasions, which is of course entirely natural, though you may believe you cannot say that out loud for fear of judgement from others.
Natural and normal feelings
There is no emotion you could name which might not be present in anticipatory grief. To name a few: sadness, anger, frustration, hopefulness, desperation, anxiety, panic, insecurity, guilt, shame, love, isolation, depressed, fed-up. All these feelings are to be expected and are natural and normal.
I also want to say, importantly, that it is entirely normal to feel you wish it would all be over soon because you cannot bear it any longer. Many people don’t want to admit this but as a former counsellor I know that lots of relatives and loved ones feel this way and experience feelings of intense guilt because of it.
What can you do to support yourself?
Acknowledge to yourself and others (if you can) what you’re feeling. Try not to hide those emotions and remember that others may well be feeling the same, but no-one is talking about it.
Ask for help. I write this because so many of you might be soldiering on (I use that term on purpose). I suspect people would love to help support you if you would only ask them?
Find ways to spend what time you have with your loved one that are meaningful to you both. How is the time to start having those conversations you might have been avoiding. What is it you would like to say to your loved one? Perhaps think about what you might regret not having said while you had the chance.
Please take care of yourself. Find time for a bit of relaxation, make time to connect with your family, to have a bath, to cook a nice meal, to Facetime, WhatsApp or call your friends, to breathe deeply, to read a book and ultimately to reassure yourself that you will be okay.
Katrina Taee is joint author of Surviving The Tsunami Of Grief For The Bereaved And Those Wanting To Support Them alongside Wendelien McNicoll (New Act Publishing). Order it here
If you’re feeling anxious and want to talk, you can call our Support Line on 0800 090 2309 to speak to a trained officer. It’s free and open seven days a week. We also have trained bereavement support volunteers who can offer up to six sessions of support in the form of a weekly phone call.
If you want to talk to someone following a bereavement, we’re here for you. Call us on 0800 090 2309 for free bereavement support.
