Grieving in your own way

Grief is a completely natural way to respond to the death of someone important to you. There's no right or wrong way to grieve and it feels different for everyone. Each time that we grieve during our lifetime will feel different too.

If you would like to speak to someone about your feelings, contact the Marie Curie Support Line for free on 0800 090 2309.

Grieving can be painful because losing someone important to you can be very distressing and can come with some powerful emotions. But grief itself is not an illness. It cannot be fixed, or cured, or made to go away.

Over time the grief and pain you feel will usually become less strong. Most people find that they can adapt to a life without the person who has died. But there is no timescale for how long this will take because it is different for everyone.

When you are grieving it is very important to be kind to yourself – and do what feels right for you. You may feel that the experience of grief changes you – but most people find that, in time, they are able to enjoy life again. Always remember that it's normal to grieve and to find that there's a time when you do not think so often about the person who has died.

You cannot tell how you will feel when someone dies. This is true even when you have known for a while that they are going to die.

In the first minutes and hours, you may have many different feelings and emotions, and this is normal. There's no right or wrong way to feel or behave at a time like this. You may go into shock or feel numb. You may feel disbelief and think that what's happened is not real. You may feel relief at first if the person had been in pain or if caring for them had become difficult. You might even try to carry on as though nothing has happened. Or you may feel angry or in despair.

Try to be kind to yourself. If you're on your own, is there somebody you can ask to come and be with you for a while? It could be a friend, a relative − or maybe there's a religious or spiritual leader who could come and sit with you?

Grief is not just one feeling. It's often many emotions that follow on from one another but not in any order.

You may feel:

You may not feel some of these things. Or your grief could mean you feel something else that is not on this list.

People sometimes talk about grief having stages.

You may find that your mood changes quickly, or that you feel very differently in different situations and at different times. People who have been bereaved often say they feel 'up and down', or 'all over the place', or that they have a 'roller coaster' or emotions.

You might find that you swing between feeling OK one minute and upset the next. And that these feelings come in waves or bursts when you're not expecting it, which can leave you feeling worried, embarrassed or afraid.

You might also find that it's hard to concentrate on things that you normally find easy.

But remember that we all react differently when someone we care about dies. There's no right or wrong way to feel and no timetable to guide us through grief.

Often people ask how long will their grief last. But no one can answer this for you because it is different for everyone and different each time we experience a bereavement.

Whatever you are feeling, it's important to try to be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to process your feelings of grief.

You may have different feelings of grief that come and go over months or years. Gradually, most people find that these feelings of grief are not there all the time, and they can cope better. Then there may be times when feelings of loss come back more strongly.

Anniversaries, birthdays or going to a place that was special, may be the reason for this. But you may also just not know why you are having strong feelings of grief and loss again.

Most people say that over time, their grief becomes less intense, and they adapt to living a life without the person physically in it. But that does not mean that their grief ends or it goes away completely.

Some people find that their feelings of grief do not get less strong, and they find it difficult to manage daily activities. For example, they might struggle to go to work, look after children or socialise with friends. If you're experiencing this or you are finding it hard to cope, then you should speak to your GP. You can also call Samaritans on 116 123 − they are open 24 hours a day, every day.

People feel grief in different ways – not everyone will cry or feel sad. Some people might feel shocked or numb, especially in the first days or weeks.

Sometimes people feel relief that the person has died. This could be because they were in pain or suffering, or it could be because you had a complicated relationship with them. If that's how you feel, it's OK.

If you're feeling upset but someone else seems to be OK, that does not mean they are less upset than you, or that there is something wrong with you. Grief is different for everyone, and people process it in different ways and at different times. Unless we share our feelings, then others only get an external impression of how we are coping.

When someone you love dies, it can feel as if part of your life has stopped. And you may be worried that you will forget what they look like or the sound of their voice.

But it can help with grief to understand that while the person has died, the relationship you had with them does not. And there are ways that can help you to keep their memory alive. You may want to think about some of these things:

You may find that it helps you to process your grief to find ways to keep your connection to the person like this – even though they are no longer physically here.

You may experience longing or yearning. You may dream about the person who has died, or think you've heard their voice or seen them in the distance. This is quite a common experience after someone has died. Try not to worry about it but be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

Talking to the person who died can also be a normal part of the grieving process. You may find yourself talking to them because your brain has temporarily forgotten that they have died. Or you may talk to them because you miss them, and you find it comforting. Often people say they feel like the person is with them still, or that they are in their heart. This is all normal and can help you to keep the bond you had with them when they were alive.

You do not have to go through the grieving process alone. There are lots of ways to get support, whether you prefer to talk to someone in person or to join an online community.

Even if you feel like you are managing OK and can cope with day-to-day life, you may still look for bereavement support as a way of helping you to process your feelings of grief. If you would like to speak to someone about your feelings, contact the Marie Curie Support Line on 0800 090 2309. We also have a Bereavement Support Service, where trained volunteers offer up to six sessions of support through phone calls.