Supporting someone who is grieving

It can be difficult to know what to say to someone who's been bereaved. Maybe it's stopping you from getting in touch in case something you say makes things worse? But your support could really help – people who are grieving often tell us that the worst thing someone can say, is to say nothing. And contact from family and friends can help a person who is grieving feel supported and loved.

Everyone experiences grief differently. Here are some things to think about when you do get in touch with a grieving friend, or member of your family.

Some people may not want to talk about their grief at all. Sometimes just having you in the same room and sitting together quietly can be reassuring.

If you can, try to let the bereaved person feel like they are in a safe place and can express how they're feeling without being judged. Their emotions may range from sadness to more unexpected emotions like anger. Respect how they feel. If they say they're relieved that the person has died, do not argue against that and insist they must be sad.

Being able to express emotions is a very important part of the grieving process, but try not to force someone to talk, or share, if that's not what they want to do. They may want to talk later, or they may express their emotions in other ways. For example, by writing their feelings down, or by seeing a therapist, or through painting, or gardening, or through having time to think through their feelings when going for a walk, or a run.

So, try to take the lead from them and let them talk if they want to. It's also best not to ask lots of questions in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, or as though you are trying to fix their grief for them.

Sometimes people change quickly between grieving and getting on with their lives, so try not to be surprised by this. One moment they may be upset and want to talk about the person who has died, and then the next moment they've changed the subject and want to talk about something ordinary, like what's going on at work or something on TV.

Just let them talk when they want to and keep anything that they share private, unless they've said that you can tell others.

Specific offers of help are often more useful than general ones.

Maybe you could offer to cook meals, or pick up shopping or help with some of the practical tasks that people need to do after a bereavement?

But if you're not sure how to help, then ask them what you can do. It may be difficult for a grieving person to ask for help when they're already feeling vulnerable. So, let them know you're there and that you want to help − and try to pick up on any changes of mood.

In the first days and weeks after the death, a bereaved person often has lots of practical things they need to do. It's also when family and friends are most likely to be around supporting them.

However, there's no time limit on grieving and your friend or family member might need support, and to talk about their feelings, for many months or years to come.

You may want to keep a note of any dates or anniversaries that could be particularly difficult for the person who is grieving, so you can get in touch with them at these times.

If you're worried about upsetting them again by doing this, remember that they'll already know about this date, or anniversary. You cannot stop them from feeling upset so hearing from you, or others, will not make it worse. If anything, it will help them to know that you have remembered and that you're thinking about them – and about the person who died, also.

However hard you try to support someone who is grieving, you may sometimes say or do something that upsets them. If you know that they're upset because of something you said or did, then it's probably best just to say you're sorry. The way they have reacted could be more to do with their grief, than anything you've done, so try not to take it personally.

The reality is that bereaved people experience lots of difficult emotions which can sometimes make it hard to be around them. Try not to take any anger personally and give them space.

There may be times of the day, or days of the week, that they find more difficult than others. If they're working during the week, then it might be that weekends are the loneliest time for them. Often people whose long-term partner has died, find the evenings most difficult because it can be then that they really notice the loss of a companion.

If you know when the grieving person may be finding it most difficult or lonely, then you could suggest doing something different with them at this time. For example, a walk at the weekend, or a film together in the evening, or just calling in the evening for a catch-up.

You may also want to suggest doing things which help them to talk about and remember the person who has died – like looking through old photos or visiting places that were special to them. If they want to do this, then this could be very helpful for them while they are grieving their loss.