There are changes that can happen in the last moments of someone’s life and when they die. These are all natural and are part of the normal process of dying.
This information is for family or friends of someone who is expected to die and is approaching the end of life. Thinking about the last moments of life can be upsetting, but knowing what to expect may ease some of the worries you have.
If you have any questions or need support during this time, our free Support Line is here for you on 0800 090 2309 or email support@mariecurie.org.uk.
You might find some of the descriptions or information on this page upsetting. If you do not feel ready to look at this information yet or would rather look at it with someone else, you can read it another time.
Changes when someone is dying
There are normal changes that often happen before someone dies:
- Many people sleep for longer periods of time. They might lose consciousness – this is like a very deep sleep they cannot be woken up from. They may still be able to hear you or feel your touch.
- Some people have noisy breathing if secretions (saliva or mucous) have built up in their throat and chest.
- Some people’s breathing slows down and becomes irregular. It might stop and then start again or there might be long pauses or stops between breaths.
- Some people’s hands, feet, arms and legs may feel colder.
- Some people’s skin looks slightly blue. On darker skin tones, this might be easier to see on their lips, nose, cheeks, ears, tongue, or the inside of their mouth.
- Some people’s skin looks mottled (have different coloured blotches or patches). On lighter skin tones, these areas might look blue or red. On darker skin tones, these areas might look darker than normal, purple or brownish in colour.
Not everyone has these changes. Some people have these symptoms for hours, days or even longer before they die.
These changes are a normal and natural part of dying. They do not usually cause the person pain or distress. If you think the person is uncomfortable or you’re worried, speak to their doctor, nurse or care home staff.
Symptoms in the last weeks and days of life
If the person is not in their last moments yet, you might find it helpful to read more about what symptoms they might have before this point and what can help.
Being with someone as they die
There are things you can do to help your family member or friend when they are dying:
- Speak calmly to them and hold or stroke their hand gently. Even if someone is unconscious, they may still be able to hear or feel you.
- Tell their doctor, nurse or care home staff if you’re worried that they are distressed or in pain. They may be able to organise medicines or look at other ways to make them more comfortable.
- Keep the number of the GP or district or community nurse safe, so that you can call them if you’re worried or if the person dies.
- If you’re alone with the person and would like someone else to be with you when they die or afterwards, you could call a friend, family member, or spiritual or faith leader.
The last breath
Many people’s breathing slows down as they approach death. Sometimes people have long pauses between breaths. When someone dies, they sometimes take a final gentle breath in, breathe out and then they do not breathe in again.
Moment of death
It’s not always clear when the exact moment of death occurs.
When a person dies:
- their face might suddenly relax
- their mouth might fall open
- they may look peaceful
- their eyelids might be slightly open
- their skin might look paler than normal and have a waxy look to it.
Some people tell us that they sense that the person’s consciousness or spirit has left.
If you or anyone else around the person find the death upsetting, speak to a doctor, nurse or bereavement counsellor. You can also get in touch with the free Marie Curie Bereavement Support Service by booking a call or calling our Support Line on 0800 090 2309.
How do you know if someone has died?
A doctor or other healthcare professional will check whether the person has died. They will check whether:
- the person has stopped breathing
- their heart has stopped beating
- their pupils (the black spot in centre of their eye) do not response to light or movement.
What do people feel or see at the moment of death?
We do not know exactly what people feel or see as they die. Some people who have had near-death experiences say that they saw a light or saw people they knew who had died. Other people say they felt peaceful or felt a sensation of leaving their physical body.
It may be reassuring to know that many family and friends of people who have died say that the person’s needs were met in their last couple of days and their final moments were peaceful.
Can people choose the moment to die?
It can sometimes appear that people choose the moment to die. For example, people talk about someone trying to stay alive until a relative arrives at their bedside, or until a special anniversary or birthday. A person who is confused, drowsy or unconscious may also wake up and be able to say a final goodbye before dying.
In contrast, some people die alone or at an unexpected time. For example, some people tell us a relative appeared to wait until everyone had left the room – even for the shortest time – before they died.
If someone dies when you’re not there, you may feel hurt that they appear not to have chosen to be with you when they die. Or you might feel you’ve let the person down by missing that moment.
It’s impossible to know why people die at the precise moment they do. They may have little control over those final moments.
You can still leave the room when they are dying to give yourself a break and to give them space. You could think about whether you want to say goodbye each time you leave the room, in case they die when you’re not there.
What to do when someone has died
If you’re in a hospital, hospice or care home, tell a member of staff that the person has died.
If you’re by yourself at home, call the GP or district or community nurse as soon as you feel able to. They’ll arrange a visit to confirm that the person has died. If they are seeing patients, they may need to finish their clinic before they visit.
You might want to sit with the person’s body by yourself or you may prefer to be in a different room. Speak to a friend or family member if you’d like someone else to be with you.
Getting support for yourself
This might be a very sad or distressing time for you, as well as other family and friends. Getting the right emotional and spiritual care and support is important. The person’s nursing team – including their Marie Curie Nurse if they have one – can help. They can also arrange further bereavement support, so that you do not have to cope with your feelings alone.
You can also contact the free Marie Curie Support Line for emotional support on 0800 090 2309 or email support@mariecurie.org.uk. We have a free Bereavement Support Service where you can have regular support from a trained volunteer. Contact our Support Line to find out more.