How to tell a child or young person someone has died

Explaining what’s happened openly and honestly can help a child or young person. You might worry about saying the wrong thing or upsetting them. This will be especially hard when you’re grieving too. There are things you can say to help them understand and feel supported.

Some of the suggestions on this page are from conversations with Youth Ambassadors at Winston’s Wish, the child bereavement support charity.

It can be really difficult to know how to tell a child or young person that someone has died. It can help to:

Depending on their age and understanding, you might say something like:

"I have some really sad news. [Name] has died. This means they are not alive. They cannot talk, eat or play with us anymore. I want you to know that you are safe and I love you so much. This is not your fault. You might have questions about this. And I'll be here for you."

This is only an example. You know the child best and the language that’ll be right for them.

After you’ve told them, it may help to:

Organisations like Winston's Wish can support you to tell a child or young person that someone has died. Call 08088 020 021 for free, email ask@winstonswish.org or use the live chat on their website.

Be kind to yourself. These conversations are never easy, and there is no one way to handle them.

Whether you are telling them about the death of a grandparent, parent, carer or friend of any age, here are some things that might help.

Children and young people need to know what happened to the person that died. Try to explain in clear, simple language that’s right for their age and stage of development.

You could try giving them information in small amounts over time. This can help them process information in a more manageable way. Keep it simple to start and give them time to respond.

It’s usually clearer to say someone has ‘died’ or ‘is dead’.

Try not to use phrases like the person has ‘gone to sleep’, ‘gone away’, or ‘is lost’. It might be confusing for the child, especially if they are young or have special educational needs or disabilities. This is because they may take what you say very literally. And this might impact things like their sleep or how comfortable they are being left alone.

Use simple words that the child or young person can understand. After you’ve spoken to them, you could ask them questions to check they’ve understood. Remember to listen to the child or young person. Try not to guess what they might be thinking and feeling.

You can ask them if they have any questions. If they do not, you could say, "One of the questions I had is X. Would you like to know the answer to that?"

Give them different opportunities to ask questions. Tell them they can always talk to you if there's something they want to know. When they ask a question, you could start by asking, “What do you think?” Then you can build your answer based on what they say.

You could ask them how much information they want to know. This can be helpful if the child or young person is older. You could say, “Would you like to know what happened at the hospice/hospital?”.

Be prepared for them to be curious and to ask the same questions again and again. This can be upsetting for both you and them, but it’s a part of their understanding and grieving process. In general, if a child or young person is asking the question, they are ready to hear the answer.

It’s OK to not know the answers. If this happens, explain that you do not know, but you can try to find out.

Be sure to give the child or young person plenty of reassurance. Let them know they’re loved and that you and other people important to them are still there for them.

Young children might feel that the person has died because of something they may have said or done. Explain simply how and why they’re not to blame. It might be helpful to give an example, like saying the person died because their heart stopped working. Reassure them that nothing that anyone said or did caused it to happen.

Adults might avoid talking about the person who’s died to protect children and young people. But some children and young people want to talk about the person and share their memories. They had a relationship with the person who died, and it’s important to recognise this.

If they do not want to talk about the person, that’s OK too. Some children and young people prefer to avoid talking about the person. Continue to give them opportunities to talk about them or support them to grieve in a way that suits them. Instead of talking, they may want to draw a picture, write a letter, or listen to music that reminds them of the person.

Listening to them can help you understand what they know about the person’s death. It gives you the chance to correct anything that’s not quite accurate. Listening will also help you understand how the child or young person is feeling.

Try to avoid telling the child or young person not to worry or be sad. It’s natural and healthy to express their emotions, whatever they might be. Sometimes, they might find it hard to control their feelings. Let them know that all feelings are OK, including ones that they may feel bad about, such as relief.

Children and young people might move in and out of their sad feelings quickly. Some children need some extra time to process what they’ve heard. It does not necessarily mean they have not understood what you’ve said. This can be confusing for both children and adults. Take the lead from the child or young person and help them express how they’re feeling at that time.

Sometimes, children and young people find it easier to express themselves when they are doing an activity. This might be colouring, playing, cooking or watching TV. Doing an activity means they do not need to have eye contact with someone else and might feel more relaxed. This can help them to feel comfortable asking questions and sharing how they’re feeling.

It’s natural to want to hide your emotions and avoid conversations that might be upsetting. But being open with your emotions can help children and young people to express theirs. Sometimes, children will copy the grief they see from the adults around them.

It’s OK to cry in front of the child or young person. It might be helpful to let them know why you’re crying. You might want to say that people cry for many reasons. Sometimes people cry to express their sadness, or when they’re missing someone. Let them know that it’s also OK not to cry, if that’s how they feel.

Some children and young people might feel responsible for making you upset. Or feel guilty for being upset themselves. Reassure them that it’s not their fault, and they do not have a responsibility to look after you.

Children and young people may need time to come to terms with the news of someone’s death. They might feel like taking a break from social activities, having time off school, or spending time alone. Let them have the time that they need, when they need it. And check in with them regularly to see if their support needs have changed.

Children and young people notice when something is wrong or different. It’s important to tell them when someone’s died, even if it’s upsetting.

Talking about death can help them to feel more confident in asking questions and sharing their worries.

If they’re not told about the person’s death, they may start to make up their own explanation of why the person is not around anymore. If they do not have enough information, they might assume things that are not true. This might make them more worried. And it could cause them to lose trust in the adults around them.

It usually best if the news comes from you, or someone else someone who is close to child. You may want to tell them alongside another adult who's close to them. This might help the child or young person to know that you, and others, are there to support them. And they may feel more comfortable to ask questions.

If you do not feel comfortable telling them, you could ask a professional, like a counsellor or social worker to help.

Tell the child or young person that someone has died as soon as possible. Be as honest as you can. Knowing what’s happened can help a child or young person to worry less. If they do not know what’s happened, they might make up their own explanations about why a person is not there anymore. Delaying telling a child or young person can also increase the chance of them overhearing a conversation about the person who’s died.

There is no right or wrong way to tell more than one child or young person. It will depend on their age and stage of development. No two children will react in the same way to the news. But telling children, like siblings, together initially can mean that everyone gets the same information at the same time. If you choose to do this, use words that everyone can understand. You can then give more information suited to each child or young person later.

It’s helpful to talk openly with children and young people who have special educational needs or disabilities (SEND). Although it might feel hard to give bad news, it’s important to include them.

You know the child best and what will work for them. There are a few things you might want to think about when telling a child or young person with SEND that someone has died:

Some children might show how they’re feeling in their behaviour rather than words. Let them know that it’s OK to have lots of emotions and help them to express these in a way that suits them. You could think about doing something regularly to remember the person, like looking at photos or playing music. This can help them express their feelings and offers an opportunity to reassure and comfort them.

If you’re unsure how to support a child with additional needs, you could contact their special educational needs and disabilities coordinator (SENDCo) if they have one. It might also help to let the pastoral team at their school know someone important to them has died, so they can support the child or young person at school.

Winston's Wish have specialists who can support you to tell a child with SEND that someone has died. Call them for free on 08088 020 021, email ask@winstonsiwsh.org or use the live chat on their website.

Telling a child or young person that someone has died may be one of the hardest things you have to do. Be gentle with yourself – it’s OK to find these conversations difficult.

Remember, you do not need to go through this alone. It’s important to get support for yourself, especially when caring for children and young people who are grieving too. If it’s an option for you, you could think about who’s around you who could help. Having other people to support you can make a difference during a tough time.

You could think about people who can:

Many people feel that supporting the child or young person is the most important thing when someone has died. But it’s important to remember that you can support them best when you feel supported yourself.

You might feel really alone right now. We’re here to help. Call the free Marie Curie Support Line for emotional support on 0800 090 2309 or email support@mariecurie.org.uk. We also offer bereavement sessions for adults.

Winston’s Wish has a free helpline that offers bereavement support for children, young people and their families. Call 08088 020 021 to speak to a member of their team, use their live chat, or email ask@winstonswish.org.

Each child or young person will experience grief in a different way. It’s important to ask the child or young person how you can support them.

The child or young person might need more opportunities to understand what’s happened and ask questions. You might need to tell them more once or repeat answers to questions.

You may be able to get support through a local hospice, including Marie Curie Hospices. Some have counsellors for children and young people. This is usually only available if the hospice knew the person, but it can vary. Contact your local hospice to find out more.

Winston’s Wish offers bereavement support to children and young people. They offer them the chance to speak to someone impartial about how they’re feeling. They can also offer advice for adults supporting bereaved children and young people. Call Winston’s Wish for free on 08088 020 021, email ask@winstonswish.org, or use the live chat on their website.