Questions and concerns children and young people might have when someone dies

When someone dies, children and young people might ask lots of questions. They might also have concerns that they’re afraid to ask about. As the adult supporting them, you might be worried that you’ll upset them or say the wrong thing. On this page, we give some example answers and tips on how to answer difficult questions.

Some of the suggestions on this page are from conversations with Youth Ambassadors at Winston’s Wish, the child bereavement support charity.

You may be reading this page because you’re worried about a child or young person. There is support available for you both. If you’d like to speak with someone who can listen, contact our free Support Line on 0800 090 2309 or email support@mariecurie.org.uk.

Asking questions is a natural part of how children and young people process their feelings. You may already know what information they will find useful and the best way to communicate with them. The key things to try to do are:

Children and young people might have questions like:

Explaining death to a child or young person can be hard. Try to use simple words so you do not confuse them, like ‘dead’ and ‘died’. You know them best, so speak to them in a way that makes them feel safe and supported.

You could say something like: “When someone dies, their body stops working. They no longer breathe, move, eat, or drink. They cannot feel anything when they’re dead, so it does not hurt and they’re not in pain.”

Help the child understand someone cannot come back to life once they’re dead. If you have beliefs or ways to remember someone, this might be a good time to talk about that too.

It’s hard to answer questions about when and why people die. You could say that people die for lots of reasons. Sometimes they’re very old and their body is worn out. Other people have illnesses that make their body stop working.

Explain that you do not know when other people will die – but reassure the child this is hopefully not for a long time.

There is no right or wrong way to answer these questions. Each family and situation will be different. How you answer may also depend on your religious and spiritual beliefs. It’s OK not to know all the answers but try to be as honest as you can.

Children and young people might ask:

Telling the child that death is forever can help them to understand the person is not coming back. Some children, especially younger children, may believe that the person will come back to life or has only gone away for a short time. Let the child know that the person is not coming back. Nothing they can do can change that. But it might be reassuring to remind them that all the good times they had with the person are never taken away. Their memories will always be with them.

Many adults struggle to answer questions about why God/Allah/Jehovah let the person die. There’s no easy way to answer this. It might help to explain that dying is a part of life. People who believe in God might believe that everything happens for a reason. This can be difficult for people to understand, especially when it’s so painful. Other people find it comforting. People who believe in heaven or an afterlife could ask the child what they think it's like. This gives them the chance to explore their own beliefs and share how they’re feeling.

If you need more support in explaining what happens after death, you could get in touch with a faith leader, spiritual coordinator or a specialist bereavement counsellor.

Children and young people may ask things like:

Not knowing what happened can make death more upsetting and frightening. There are no set answers to these questions. But try to give as much detail as you think the child or young person can cope with.

Try not to underestimate their capacity to understand. Be guided by them and make it easy for them to ask whatever they need to. It might help to have an idea of what you’d say to questions like this, so you’re not taken by surprise.

Children and young people told us they had questions and concerns like:

The child or young person may feel scared that they, or other people close to them, are going to die too. Knowing why someone died may help to take away some of that fear.

They may think they caused the death by behaving badly or thinking bad thoughts. It’s important for them to know that there’s nothing they could have done to stop the person dying, and it’s not their fault. It can help to concentrate on talking about good memories and happy experiences.

Make sure children know that you cannot catch cancer or a heart attack. If the person had a genetic disease, children and young people might be worried they’ll be affected by this too. Young people we spoke to said this was a question they were afraid to ask. If this is a concern, speak to them about their worries. Or reach out to a health and social care professional for help.

Children and young people have told us they had worries about:

Try to reassure them that even if circumstances do change, they’ll always be loved and supported. Be honest about changes that might happen. It might help to say that while things might feel different, you will still be there to support each other.

Be honest with them about chores or extra housework but try not to expect them to automatically take on more responsibility. It might help to have a conversation about changes around the house and if they’d like to help.

Reassure them that they will not be alone. Let them know who’s around to help look after them and give them guidance. You might want to ask them who they want to be in their circle of support. You could think about specific roles or activities the person who died did, like taking them to school, and reassure them that those things will continue.

Going back to school can be a big worry for children and young people. It can help if you speak to the school about what’s happened and involve the child in discussions about what support they’d like. There may be things the school can do to help.

Children and young people have told us they had questions and concerns like:

It might help to explain that missing the person and thinking about loving them can sometimes feel sad. This is their grief. Their grief will not go away, but they will grow around it. Reassure them that although they’ll never forget the person who died, it’s OK to laugh and have fun, if they feel like it.

It’s important that the child or young person does not feel that they’re betraying the person who’s died by getting on with their life. But they might have questions and concerns about their grief and managing their feelings.

If you are worried about the child or young person’s grief, think about reaching out for specialist support from a counsellor, or organisations like Winston’s Wish.

Children and young people have told us they worry about forgetting specific things about the person, like their smell or the sound of their voice. This can be really upsetting. Reassure them that forgetting aspects of the person does not mean the positive experiences and the love they shared does not matter. Help them to remember the person in a way that comforts them. This might be by doing activities such as making a memory box, or looking at photos and recordings.

Children and young people told us they had questions like:

You could say the funeral is a chance to say goodbye or to come together to celebrate the person’s life.

There is no one way to involve children and young people in funerals and other rituals. Speak to the child or young person to understand what’s best for them. Children and young people we’ve spoken to said they appreciated being involved in important events like the funeral. It could be helpful to explain in simple steps what the day will look like for them. For example, where they will sit or who’ll be there to support them on the day.

Some children or young people might be worried about being asked to speak at the funeral. If they are choosing to speak, they might be worried about the day itself. It’s important that they feel supported to do what’s best for them. Speak to them openly about the day and ask them what help they’d like.

Answering questions and addressing concerns of children and young people can feel overwhelming. You might feel like you’re repeating yourself, or that you cannot answer their questions fully. Try to be kind to yourself.

Health and social care professionals can support you with answering questions about the person’s illness and death. Your local hospice might have specialist bereavement support services to help too. You might also like to think about asking a faith leader for support in answering questions about what happens after death.

To speak to someone about how you’re feeling, call the Marie Curie Support Line on 0800 090 2309, access the online chat, or email support@mariecurie.org.uk. Marie Curie also offers bereavement support to adults over 18 who’ve been affected by terminal illness. Call the Support Line and ask about our Bereavement Support Service to find out more.

Winston’s Wish is a specialist child bereavement organisation that supports children and young people up to the age of 25, and their families. They can give you help over the phone, live chat or email. And they offer bereavement support to children and young people. Call 08088 020 021, use their live chat, or email ask@winstonswish.org to speak to one of their trained team.