Supporting a child or teenager when someone has a terminal illness

We know it can be difficult knowing how to support a child or teenager if you, or someone else important to them, has a terminal illness.

This page has information about the things you can do to support them. It includes how to tell them about a diagnosis, as well as practical tips that can help with daily life.

Some of the suggestions on this page are from conversations with Youth Ambassadors at Winston’s Wish, the charity supporting bereaved children and young people.

Talking to a child or young person about serious illness is one of the most difficult things anyone has to do.

Adults can worry if telling a child is even the right thing to do. There can be many reasons for this, including:

But children and young people who have known someone with a terminal illness say that open and honest communication helped them at this time.

Being open and honest with children or young people is an important way of supporting them. We explain why below.

If you do not tell the child or young person, they might misinterpret things they’ve seen or heard. They might then try and find out themselves by looking online or on social media, and get it wrong.

If someone they trust explains to them what’s going on, it can help a child or young person to feel less alone. By making sure they know they can talk to you, they’re not keeping worries to themselves.

Talking openly also helps build closer bonds at home that can support their wellbeing in the longer term. If a child or young person finds out later that you were not honest with them, it could affect how they process the death. It may also affect their relationship with you or with anyone else who they think has not been honest with them.

Talking honestly about a diagnosis with a child or young person can help them to feel more in control. It means they can make decisions about things that affect them. For example, they can decide if they want to visit someone in hospital. Or they can choose how they want to spend time with the person.

It also means that they can have control over how much they want to know about the illness or treatments – because they can keep talking to you.

This can help them feel more in control at a time when they cannot control someone’s illness. It can help reduce feelings of anxiety and help support a child or young person’s wellbeing.

It’s usually best if the child or young person is told by someone who knows them well like their mum or dad, a guardian or a close family friend. You may want to have someone with you for support, like a friend or a member of your family.

If you’re worried about not knowing enough about the illness or treatment, ask the doctor or another healthcare professional to explain anything you’re not sure about. It’s important to ask for help if you need it.

You might want to ask if you can have a health or social care professional with you. It could be a doctor, nurse, social worker or counsellor. Although it’s better that it comes from you, it may help to have someone there to support you. The child can also speak to them if they want to.

You could ask about getting support from a counsellor or from your local hospice, including Marie Curie Hospices. Some hospices have counsellors for families, children and young people. They can usually only help if the person who’s ill is known to the hospice, but you can contact your local hospice to find out.

There’s no set way to do it – because every family and every situation is different.

It’s usually better to talk to them soon after the person is diagnosed, or when the illness becomes more serious. Otherwise, they may notice changes or sense that something is different. It also gives the child or young person the chance to ask questions as the illness progresses.

It’s best to avoid doing it before bedtime. It may also help if you can talk to them at the weekend, so they have some time before they go back to school or college.

Try to find a place that’s comfortable, safe and private (like at home) so that it’s OK if they get upset.

Before you speak to them, you may want to read about what children understand about dying and grief at different ages (see links below). These pages also include information about talking about death and grief with children who have special educational needs or disabilities (SEND).

If you need to tell more than one child or young person, you may want to speak to them together first. It can stop them from being upset that you’ve told one of them before the other or worrying that you’ve told them different things. It can also keep the conversation open and help them to support each other.

These things may help:

You might be surprised at how the child or young person reacts. They might seem less upset than you expected. Try not to worry if this happens – children can react differently to bad news than you think they will. Some children take some time to process what they’ve heard. Just because they are not reacting immediately, does not mean they’ve not heard or understood what you’ve said. Check in with them and encourage questions.

We know this can be a very emotional and difficult conversation. You might want to ask your doctor or social worker for support, or ask if you can speak to a counsellor.

Being able to visit someone in hospital or a hospice can help a child understand the illness and treatment better. It may also help them if they’re missing the person. But some children find it upsetting. The person who’s ill may also not want the child to see them in hospital, so check with them first.

You can then ask the child or young person if they’d like to visit. You may want to tell the hospital or hospice staff before you go. You could also look at the hospital or hospice together online first.

It can help to explain to the child what the visit will be like. This can include what the room looks like or how the person may look and how they may be. For example, letting them know that someone may be sleeping a lot, or may talk in a whisper. Reassure them that even though someone might look different, they are still the same person.

If a child cannot visit, or does not want to visit, they might be able to have a phone or video call with the person instead. Or they could make a card or send a voice or video message. People’s feelings about visits can change. So, the person who’s ill or the child may need time to think about whether they want another visit.

If someone is being cared for at home and there’s a child or children living there too, you may want to discuss arrangements with the person you’re caring for. If it feels right, you could ask the child to take part in these conversations too. The child or young person may also want to do small things to help at home. It can help them to feel included. For example, they could make the person who's ill a drink or read to them.

Here are some practical things you can do that can help support a child or young person’s wellbeing when someone has a terminal illness.

Reassure them that they’re always loved and cared for even if their own emotions may change over the course of someone’s illness.

Try to keep things at home as normal as you can by encouraging them to stick to their routines. Young people we’ve spoken to have said that being able to go to their usual after school clubs or activities helped them to cope. You might want to use a calendar as a quick way for them to see what’s happening each week.

As well the benefits of routine, activity or sports clubs can mean that a young person has time away from the home. It gives them a chance to socialise with people who may have known them for a long time. Or they might want to join a new club to increase their circle of support with new friendships. Some young people’s clubs or organisations may also give them access to counselling services.

Make sure they know that it’s OK for them to still have fun.

Being able to see their friends and keep up with their social life can be important for a child or teenager. Young people we spoke to said that age-appropriate activities and being able to see their friends helped them when their parent was dying. If you’re not able to help with things like lifts, see if someone else can do this for you.

Being organised and explaining plans in advance to a child or teenager can help things feel more stable. This includes things like organising childcare or letting them know who will make their dinner.

You could also consider making more long-term practical plans, like making a Will. This is so:

Giving a young person an emergency contact can help them to feel more secure. This helps if you have to go an appointment unexpectedly. It could be a family friend, but it just needs to be someone who can help in an emergency.

It’s usually best to talk to the child’s school about what’s happening at home.

The school may have a wellbeing officer, school nurse or a specific teacher who the child can go to for on-going support. You, or another responsible adult, may need to follow-up with the school if your child or teenager needs support and you feel they’re not getting it.

As someone becomes more ill, you may have to tell the child or young person that they are going to die.

A child or young person might become more anxious as the person becomes more ill. Or they may have already started getting used to the idea the person is getting more ill and will die. Whatever their reaction, it’s important to understand that children cope in different ways.

Some children or young people want to be able to say goodbye, but others will not want to do this. Ask the child or young person what they want to do.

If they do, try to prepare them for what the person might look like. If they’re in hospital or a hospice, you could describe what that will be like too.

Sharing messages of love with the person who is dying can help give the child long-lasting, positive memories of their relationship. If it’s too difficult for the person to talk, the child or young person might like to hug or hold their hand.

It might be helpful for the child or young person to speak to a faith leader, social worker, counsellor or bereavement support worker at an organisation like Winston's Wish. You could ask about this at the hospice or hospital, through your GP or social services. You could also contact a faith leader in your community.

If it’s not possible for the child to see the person before they die, it’s OK and it’s not your fault. It might still be possible for them to make something or record a message. Or they may want to write a letter or card to help them say goodbye in their own way.